Παρασκευή, 4 Ιανουαρίου 2013

I am mine

I am mine

Faithful to my traditions, I haven't posted in this blog for almost a year now. I tried to avoid making this into a habit but I seem to have failed. Well, I'll have to try harder, another habit to shake off. Afterall, I've shaken so many lately this one's ought to be easy, if not easy then at least the process will be enjoyable. Which makes me wonder, are we anything more than our habits? I think we are a bit more, we are our efforts to shake off or maintain our habits, our trials and errors, and repeats, and resolutions, and succeses. But this is me wondering off and pondering, a subject for another time maybe.

Why am I posting then, after almost a year? Do I have the need to? No, this time it's different. I have the desire to. It is a strange feeling after so long. I started this blog because I wanted to write thigns down, and then it slowly turned into a necessary process for me to go through a period in my life that wasn't that bright or shinny. So from a desire it turned into a need. From the casual drink every now and again it turned into the drink before you go to bed every night, clearly not in frequency but of equal importance. So writing out of desire rather than need is something I haven't done in a long time, and I missed it.

Things have changed in my life. And change is something I haven't always welcomed. Ah but this change, this change has been a revelation, this change has been something out of this world, refreshing, renewing and full of realities meeting and exceeding expectations. Since the last time I wrote, I find myself in a completely different state and space. Space might not be as important as state, but then again, one wouldn't exist without the other and vise versa. I live abroad now, for the past few months yet for the first time I feel home. To any of you that know me, this shouldn't come as a surprise or a disrespectful statement. I miss you dearly and a part of me wishes that I had you all with me, but our memories and moments will have to suffice until the time we make new ones again. On the contrary, to any of you how know me, this is probably something you saw coming. Sadly, I was not built, raised, taught, call it what you like for the place I was born in. Relocation is merely the means and not the goal. The goal remains the same, happiness. Unfortunately I do not think I could have achieved happiness, in both my previous space or state. So relocation was the road that has led to the state, and state shall be the door to the goal. All this might seem a bit cryptic, or vague to those of you that do not know the details of the past year or so, but indulge me please, I hope that by the end of this post I will have found the words to make you understand, if not the details, at least the necessary events.

I suppose the best way is to treat this, is as a timeline. Then again, it is me, and despite my fathers' efforts I have never been as organised as he would like me to be and in all fairness I have not been as organised as I would like me to be. So it will be a line alright, but not nessecarily a timeline. This whole revelation and change I rambled on in the last paragraph started in therapy. I discovered, not without help, (credit where credit is due), that I have a need to form, maintain and develop relationships with meaning. Maybe it sounds poetic or romantic, but then again I do belive that it is a romantic approach of life that keeps us sane and humane in an ever-cynical world. So with that realisation, everything I had done up to that point, academicly or not would not be enough for me to be happy in my life. I had to pick a new path, a new field to dive into, and so I did. I picked psychology as a field and went forth to pursue a degree in it. Through a lengthy process, through countless doubts, fears, through overcoming those fears only for new ones to be formed in my head, I can now call myself a psychology student in a UK university. It might not seem as much, but I cannot stretch the importance of both the process and the result of that adventure, for an adventure it was, or at least it felt and still feels like one. So after applications and recommendation letters and days upon days of waiting, I was accepted. The days upon days of waiting were replaced with days upon days of planning and preparing. After all was said and done, I was off. I was off to uni, and off to a new life, off to a new place, off to a new state.

That is were I currently am, studying psychology in a UK university. I cannot tell what will come, I can make an estimated guess, but then again estiamted guesses are not as fun as simple guesses and not as efficient as knowledge, so I will not. What I know is this, I found home. In people, in places, in organisations, in tedious, dull, boring everyday things. I found home, away from home. A part of my mind and body will always crave the joys my birthplace has offerede me, and hopefully will continue to offer me, but the better part of it, found a home. A place and a state I can thrive in. And I am thankful and ever grateful to the people that made it possible for me to find this home. Thank you.

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