Ever-lurking loneliness

During vacations with friends and while reading a book by Francoise Dolto talking about loneliness, I realised a few things. For starters the quite easy realisation that you don’t need to be alone to be lonely. Easy, much talked about but very important for the points of this text. On a more refined note, this realisation makes a much bigger impact when it’s accompanied by another one; loneliness is a feeling caused by ourselves. No one can cause us to feel lonely. One can argue about the inaccuracy of the statement and attribute the loneliness we feel to a situation, or the people that surround us or circumstances. These are nothing but side-factors. The true cause is within ourselves. Fond as I am of examples here’s one; While writing these lines, I’m with friends in a beautiful home, one of them is sleeping, another one is doodling on a piece of paper and two of them are playing music. The type of music I don’t mind, and I quite enjoy when heard live, but nonetheless music I do not know much about, or have heard a lot of. Both of them musicians, are talking either about technicalities of the songs they are playing or just having fun playing songs they both know and generally having fun.
I am tone deaf, I have no rhythm and obviously I can’t play any musical instruments. I tried following the feeling, the climate of the moment but felt that I failed. I couldn’t follow on any instrument, I can’t sing, even if I could I wouldn’t know the lyrics and the music I very much enjoy is as far as it could be from what I’m listening to at the moment, but that is of little importance. The thing that matters is that I feel inadequate to participate, and this feeling annoys me, hurts me, and bugs me in my innermost self, into my very core.

Maybe I sound a bit too intense so I’ll load you with a bit of background. I grew up in a family of four people (that would be my immediate family) and six cousins. All of the cousins but one are musicians, or at least know how to play a musical instrument. My father has a deep love for music, which thankfully he passed onto me. I’ve always wished I could play a musical instrument and have had a few tries, which all either due to lack of discipline or due to the fact I didn’t actually like what I was doing, failed. I should also probably mention here that I’ve always felt that I let down my older brother by not learning a musical instrument as we could have spent hours upon hours playing together, writing shit, jamming or just talking about music on a deeper level. My brother has nothing to do with the feeling, it is purely mine, the only –in lack of a better term- “fault” I can charge my brother with, is being older than me, and naturally me looking up to him. So a desire to fit in was left a desire, it was never fulfilled. Which brings me to the intensity of my current feelings. They are that loud inside me because they bring up my insecurities, they bring up my “I wish I was more like them” side. I hate that side, its mean, angry and full of disappointment ‘cause it never gets what it wants. I feel left out, when I’m not. I’m between beloved friends and family, I’m in a place I love and enjoy being in and this feeling of inadequacy, of misfit fills me and stops me from enjoying the moment and not caring.

This brings me to my earlier statement; “No one can cause us to feel lonely”. I feel lonely, even though I’m between beloved people, even though I’m having a good time, even though I can honestly say I’m enjoying myself, I’m in a time in my life where I’m at the peak of everything I’ve ever done, yet a moment where my lack of –let’s call it musical talent for the sake of the argument-, a mere moment is enough to surface my insecurities, and make me feel belittled. Makes me wonder about the fragility of a psychological state.